Para sa’yo Tatay

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Apparently it’s Fathers’ Day tomorrow (Sunday), and I just realized this yesterday/last night when my friends kept saying there was a “Father’s Day Sale” in malls.

The reason why I wasn’t aware that it was already Fathers’ Day is because I do not keep track of this special day; not like the way I always mark on my planner the Sunday when Mothers’ Day is celebrated. I do not keep track because I do not have a father, or I do not know my father, rather.

I was born to only a mother’s care, a mother’s touch, and a mother’s love. I was never told by my mother the story about my father. Nada. Absolutely no information whatsoever about him. 

At first I always questioned my mother’s decision to keep him from me; it is my right to know, even just the name of my father, isn’t it? And yet as I grew older the curiosity just faded. I have grown accustomed to being father-less, and I must have forgotten that there is a man out there who could be my father.

I think what helped me cope with not knowing the identity of my father is that there are several father figures in my life. Uncles, Mum’s best friends, teachers, and of course Mum becoming both the mother and the father to me.

A friend (Dawn) recently asked me about him; where he is right now, what I know about him, why does it seem like I have lost interest in uncovering who he really is.

Where he is, I don’t know. What I know about him, nada. Why does it seem like I have lost interest in uncovering who he really is, well I haven’t. I never did, and I never will; I will never lose hope. It’s just that I’m good with hiding my emotions. It may not be obvious, but I always wonder about him, who wouldn’t? But one thing that keeps me from really finding out about him is the rejection that I might get. It would be devastating. And also the fact that I have lived my twenty one years without him makes me ultimately proud of my mother, and slightly makes me forget that there is a need for me to know my father.

So to end this post, I would like to greet my uncles, my other papas and daddies and my cousins who are already fathers, and of course my dearest father, Happy Fathers’ Day. I hope you are happy, wherever you are.

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